AA and NA

Going to AA in short saved my life. The day after I overdosed I reached out to a lady I worked with that went to AA. She had been a heroin addict and alcoholic and said that I could tag along with her no questions asked. I never really had a problem with alcohol and she said that was fine. I just needed to be with people who maybe have went thru the same things I’ve been thru.

After going to AA for a couple weeks I’ve come to the realization that EVERYONE should go to AA at least once. The people there are truly lights that guided me and gave me advice I didn’t even know I needed. Its like the old heads have been thru so much hurt and heartache but have been clean for so long they have unlocked some secret life codes. Most of them are humble enough tho that they dont even realize how amazing they truly are.

When I was pregnant with my first daughter I saw a high risk specalist doctor because of my previous drug use and told him that I was a couple weeks clean. He said that, that was amazing but because “life happens” if I ever need to go on subutec to just let him know. I left thinking wow what a great doctor he truly gets me. I never went on the subutec only because I was to scared to call him back and admit that I needed help.

Fast forward to my AA meeting. One of the people there told me that “life happens to everyone but thats not an excuse to use or drink”. THAT is what I needed to hear and THOSE words will stick with me forever. EVERYONE goes thru hard times but thats life and its going to happen. That does not give us the go ahead to use or drink. Instead of using the excuse that life happens and thats why I need to use we need to remind ourselves that bad things and hard times happen to everyone. Drugs and alcohol will not make it easier, in the long run (my opinion) it makes it harder.

I will be forever grateful for the people in those meetings. The kind humble souls who don’t even realize how special they are. 🥰

What makes us an addict?

Why does one turn to drugs or alcohol? There’s a million reasons why, each person having their own. Some are extreme and others are simple. For me I was rebelling, at least I think so.

Starting when I was 5 years old my parents sent me down the hill to live with my grandmother. She had heart problems and she needed someone there to keep an eye on her and to call for help if she needed it. My gram was my best friend and felt like my real mom so, I of course would of done anything for her. I didn’t know it then but that really is a lot to ask of a 5 year old. I look at my daughter now the sensitive soul that she is and can’t imagine doing that to her.

Its scary to have your grandmother wake you up in the middle of the night so you can call for help. Not knowing what was going to happen, watching the ambulance coming to get her and then being taken back to your parents home until she was better.

It happened several times and made me grow up fast. I always wanted to make sure she was ok and did a lot for her. It made me want to make her proud and also my parents. I turned into a people pleaser at a young age.

I lived with my grandmother until I was 11 and then both of us moved into my parents house. It had been the first time I had a bed room of my own since I was 5. I also got to live with my brother again. Living alone with my gram I still got to see my parents and brother a lot it was just nice to be in the same house and have that heavy responsibility lifted.

At the age of 14 my grandmother passed away. It was hard to say the least. Her death made me grow up even more and very fast. My mother having mild intellectual disabilities made me feel like I was now the mother of the house. I did everything from cleaning to cooking to helping my dad with his checkbook. I did that for 2 years and then I just snapped.

I started going out with friends more. I started trying new things like drinking and smoking and I felt free. Free of the responsibilities and constant worrying. I wanted to do more thrilling activities. I became addicted to the thrill and the feeling of being carefree. I eventually moved on to pills and then heavier substances.

So if my childhood would have been different would I have not turned to alcohol and drugs? Would I have wanted better for myself? Would i have not rebeled and cared more? Theres no way of knowing that for sure. I have a very addictive personality so it might have been inevitable. Some people are faced with hard times whether its physically or mentally and come out stronger than ever. Some do not and I unfortunately did not.

I always say I am who I am now because of the events that happened in my life… we all are. But sometimes its interesting to think of what person we could have become if some things happened differently.

About Me

Hey everyone! I’m new to blogging but I usually have a lot of ideas and things I like to talk about so I figured why not!? My name is Bonnie and I’m a 29 yr old mother of 2. I also have a fiance who I absolutely adore ❤❤ I wanted to start a blog because I do have a colorful past and would love to share my stories and hope they help people or at the very least entertain you! 🙂 So, I’ll start off by saying I’m a recovering addict. I used for about 10 yrs and did more awful things in those years than good. I’m most certainly not proud of those things but in the end it happened and I am who I am now because of it. After 3+ years of being sober (yay) I think im finally ready to share some of my stories and life after active addiction. I’ve had a lot of ups, and of course plenty of downs. 10 years of being an addict, your probably wondering what changed? Well for now long story short… I overdosed with my 2 year old daughter in the house and it broke me. Physically of course but also mentally and getting sober wasnt even a question it was something that was going to happen. Ill of course go more into that at a later time!

“We keep what we have only by giving it away” this is something they say in NA and AA. It took me a long time to truly realize what it meant…